Sub conscientiously or not grief unfortunately affects the mind and body, for me the symptoms of grief would usually sneak up on me. I usually think I am crazy when I can go from being “fine” to uncontrollably crying and back to fine in 20 minutes and look like I’ve never cried (so I think). Sometimes it’s a reminder (trigger) of my person and sometimes it’s just thoughts and memories that send me into a downward spiral.
I can go from feeling anger, sadness, loneliness in a split second and then right to numbness. I used to get scared of the numb feeling, I thought I was turning into a heartless monster because my future was taken away from me. However, if I was always feeling the sadness, anger and hopelessness nonstop I would crash and burn. Just like a train or a car, they can’t always run without being serviced. Just like grief, it’s an ongoing feeling but temporary in it’s duration because it needs to power up for it’s next attack.
I started to embrace the numbness and sometimes too much when I binged Netflix because I didn’t want to feel or didn’t know what to feel. I definitely felt confusion from little things like what to wear and eat to big things like questioning the existence of a higher power. Confused about what to do with the rest of my life and how to live this new life, or should I just get a dog? But I really like cats. I feel like I have a scattered brain all the time. A few weeks after Jordan’s service I left a plastic cutting board on the stove and almost started a fire. Luckily I was able to put out the fire with a kitchen cloth, it was a scary experience because I wasn’t paying attention and it could have been worse. There was melted plastic everywhere on the stove. I called my parents and they came over right away to help me clean and air out the house.
Especially in the beginning I would just go to bed around 9 because there wasn’t anything to do and I wouldn’t get out of bed until 11 am because there was no point in getting up. My only motivation to get up was coffee. There were a lot of days where I struggled mentally and I still do, but I realized why I was struggling. It was because I didn’t see the point of living and doing anything. What is the point? I didn’t want to tell anyone that I didn’t see a point in living because they would just worry about me and would try to fix it. The truth is, I don’t want that feeling fixed, maybe because it reminds me of how much I love Jordan. One thing I noticed when I realized how I was feeling, I was ok with it. I tried not to judge it, because the truth is no one knows what I am going through every moment, not even myself.
Sleep is the hardest thing for me, I still struggle with waking up throughout the night. Sometimes I wake up in a panic, sometimes I wake up and have to remember Jordan is not beside me and my heart breaks all over again. I find myself laying in bed staring at the clock just thinking and 2 hours will pass. I lay in bed thinking what the hell happened to me and how did I get here? Maybe the lack of sleep led to my confusion, irrational behaviour, and lack of energy.
I notice myself yoyoing very fast, I can be ok one second and in the next second I’m yelling to someone on the phone dealing with Jordan's paperwork. I definitely have a lot of anger, however along with these emotional symptoms came the physical symptoms. I personally started to notice my hair all over my house when I swept the floor. I felt tired all the time, but not so tired that I could fall asleep. I like to call this the purgatory of sleep. I felt like I was always tired because I yoyo’d so much in a day that my body was like nope, not doing it anymore. In addition, I feel like crying takes a lot of energy, I remember by 5 pm I was done with the day and couldn’t get off the couch. For me nothing tasted good (honestly, I still feel like this most of the time), so I only ate to stay alive and for junk food. The level of joy I got from eating decreased a lot, I actually like cooking more than I like eating. I also found myself developing an IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), no matter what I ate I was running to the washroom.
I found myself some days having bad headaches, but I didn’t want to tell anymore because it was a symptom of Covid (I knew I didn’t have it because I never left the house). With the headaches I felt tension in my shoulders and neck, that’s where I keep my stress I guess. There were also times that I have had severe heartburn and nothing would help except for drinking apple cider vinegar and chewing gum.
Trust me when I say this, but I hate playing the victim and complaining about everything I’m going through, and believe me this is just half of it. I’m writing to let people know that they are not alone in their feeling of grief. I used to think grief is just a season and we move on, but grief always stays with us. Grief can cause a lot of other symptoms other than the typical; anger, denial, acceptance, etc.
I think it’s important to pay attention to these symptoms of grief and allow yourself to have the grace to feel these emotions and feelings. Acknowledging your own grief and how it affects you, I’ve heard of people not crying after their loved one passed away, and there is nothing wrong with that. It will come out in different ways, maybe you can’t stop cleaning or eating or maybe it’s looking through old photos and remembering the good times. Grief symptoms are not one size fits all, we’re all unique so why wouldn’t grief be unique to us?
There are many symptoms of grief, given that I am not an expert and I am sharing my own experience with grief. Here is a list the symptoms of grief that I found on the Cross Road Hospice website that I could identify with the most:
Common Feelings for Mourners :
Agitation
Anger
Anxiety
Apathy
Betrayal
Despair
Disbelief
Emptiness
Fear
Guilt
Helplessness
Impatience
Isolation
Loneliness
Numbness</